A Whole Bunch of No’s

Transitions can be tricky.

The snap, and then extended lockdown New Zealanders were plunged into on 17 August was hard in so many ways. There was no time to prepare as our lives were tipped upside down.

Now we’re in the unusual situation where Auckland remains in Level 4, and the rest of New Zealand moves to Delta Level 2. While we wait for the whole country to return to ‘normal’ it can feel almost indulgent to feel anything but gratitude if you’re at Level 2, and perhaps some justifiable resentment if you’re in Auckland.

But I was reminded by my five-year-old of the myriad of feelings we might all experience when facing a transition. While on a class Zoom where there was excitement at returning to school, Mr Five piped up with ‘oh and by the way, I hate school’.

I quickly turned on mute.

A few hours later this was followed up with ‘a whole bunch of no’s’ written on the whiteboard.

I guess that covered off independent writing for home schooling for the day.

While I was mortified at my five-year-old’s behaviour, I can also relate. I’m sure at times we’ve all had ‘oh and by the way I hate this’ thoughts. Thankfully, most of the time, we have a filter.

Psychiatrist Dr Dan Siegel uses the phrase “if you can name it, you can tame it”. Putting into words, or giving a label to our thoughts and feelings allows our brains to process, make sense of, and move through the feeling.

Whether we’re stuck at Level 4, or emerging into a world with Level 2 changes, we’re likely to have a whole bunch of feelings. This is very normal. If you’re feeling like you hate something, or maybe having a bunch ‘no’s’ that’s okay. If you can find even more specific names for how you’re feeling, for example, 'I'm scared’ or 'I’m bored’ or ‘I'm angry', even better. You can do this in your head, write them down or talk to someone trusted about this. Naming the emotion can help with understanding the experience. As can asking a few more questions to work out what is going on.

Our ‘hates’ and ‘no’s’ might be driven by big challenges, or a dislike of change, or sometimes it can be as simple as not wanting to eat lunchbox food again. While I muted the microphone for the class Zoom, the questions, conversations and naming emotions carried on off-line.

Understanding and being honest with ourselves about how we are feeling is highly recommended. However, proceed with caution if sharing unfiltered thoughts on group Zoom meetings.